Boundaries

What words spring to mind when we think of boundaries? A Google search brings up the following ideas:

·         Limiting

·         Line

·         Responsibility

·         Guilt

·         Needs

·         Detaching

·         Relationship

·         Healthy

We may think or feel that we understand boundaries, but do we really know what they are and how they apply to us?

Professional Boundaries

In a working space we are governed by many different professional boundaries. We may work under legal or ethical frameworks that lay out ways that we should or should not act, including rules around confidentiality and protecting personal information. If these boundaries are broken we can be subject to a disciplinary process. We may lose our jobs or have legal action brought against us. When we sign a contract for a job we understand that we are to keep within those boundaries that are stated. But what happens when we feel that our personal boundaries are under threat?

Personal Boundaries

Many people think that there is no need to have boundaries in a personal capacity. However, few things are more important than imposing boundaries. Examples of when we may need to set personal boundaries include:

·         Unwanted sexual advances by somebody

·         Other people playing emotional ‘mind games.’

·         Consistently buying gifts for others

·         Spending unlimited time on social media

·         The onset of an addiction, such as shopping or gambling

·         Oversharing very personal information

·         A family member going through personal belongings

It is necessary to set boundaries with our family and friends. Often in families a power dynamic can play out. If a family member feels that they are being controlled by another member, this is not a balanced or healthy relationship. The member that is being controlled can experience loss of identity, confidence and freedom. Friends may ask favours of us but attach conditions, for example, the friend who requests you to buy a bottle of wine for her, but when you explain that you are busy, they ‘pull away’ from the friendship.

Setting boundaries with self

One of the most difficult things to do is to set boundaries with the self. In order to set ourselves boundaries we have to be critical about ourselves, we have to scrutinize and examine our actions and behaviours. Are we spending an extremely long time at work each day? Do we take work calls on designated days off? Are we in relationships with others who are toxic? Do we spend hours a day on social media platforms? Do we share personal detailed information with strangers? These situations can lead to stress and possibly depression/ anxiety/ burnout.

So why do we have such trouble setting ourselves boundaries? Sometimes we do not wish to upset others. We may want to express to our boss that we are working too many hours but fear that we may lose our job if we mention anything. We may hold subconscious beliefs that we must work hard in order to be accepted by others, therefore cutting down our hours is not acceptable to self. Some people experience FOMO (fear of missing out) and therefore must know all the ins and outs of a workplace/ relationship.

Setting boundaries with ourselves and others takes time and practice. When setting boundaries with others we can use confident body language, such as making eye contact and talking at an appropriate volume. We may wish to plan ahead what we are going to say so that we don’t act or speak impulsively. We may need to enter a compromise when setting boundaries- in some situations the needs of the other person should be considered. Achieving balance can create healthy relationships. Being firm but respectful creates less conflict in conversations.

Setting boundaries for ourselves is far more complex. We may be carrying beliefs from childhood that are ‘faulty’ and therefore causing us issues with understanding and creating boundaries in adult life. We may be experiencing low-confidence or issues with our self-esteem and worth. Are we seeking validation from others and this may involve bending or breaking our boundaries? Whatever the reason, therapy can help us to realise how and why are boundaries are being broken and ways in which we can strengthen them and apply them. Our needs can be met when we impose boundaries, which can lead to a more fulfilling life.